Adoption Sucks!

I’m not sure why but I’m feeling let down now that my site is basically finished…working on it gave me direction. I still have to finish writing my story, the years after losing my son, my awakening, my search and the results; I tried working on it but trying to summarize 33 years is a difficult task, so I stopped. Part of what I’m finding so hard is remembering the sequence of events, I’m sure some of my memory loss stems from the passing of so much time but I also feel that much of it comes from so many years of supression…I literally tried to forget. However, I couldn’t really forget such traumatic events, not completely so now I’m left with bits and pieces, which is frustrating since I now feel that remembering it will help me to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, for I need to see the whole picture.

These are also such painful memories, made more painful and confusing now that I’m trying to bring them back.

May is not a good month for me…Mothers Day comes to remind me that my motherhood was taken from me,  the anniversary of my son’s death and the anniversary of my finding him also come in May…but I want to finish “my story” by the anniversary of finding him. Ironically I found him on the anniversary of his death….which makes me feel that maybe some unknown, spiritual force directed me. I mean what are the odds I would find him on the 15th anniversary of the day he was laid to rest?

I wonder if there is life after death, if his spirit is still whole, if the thing that made him person he was, still lives without the body that contained it?  If so why doesn’t he help me to remember, show me some sign that he understands how I feel and he knows all the things I wanted to tell him. Or am I asking too much? Was me finding him on the anniversary of his funeral the sign?

I now realize that losing him in 1969 changed my life and finding him deceased has also changed my life.  I hope by the time I die I will be able to say that I have grown from this experience and that some good has come from it, I feel that is as much as I can hope for…I hope it’s not too much!

Well, I have to stop feeling sorry for myself, at least for today, maybe I’ll go pull more weeds from the garden, I need to get out of the house. 

Until next time……..Denise